When I first thought about writing on this topic a few days ago, my mind was filled with thoughts about how fulfilling it is to watch your teens grow into adults, watch as they make decisions, learn from their mistakes, and formulate their ideas about the world. I was feeling warm fuzzies about my three teens, and had been enjoying some very special times over the past few weeks.
Then reality hits today. Last night, as I drove to pick up my son for the umpteenth time this week from a party where he assured me he had a ride home from, my frustrations were mounting. After grounding him for two weeks and exhanging a few words, I thought things were pretty settled. I patted myself on the back for being firm, yet loving, and for standing by my convictions and holding my ground.
My son seemed frustrated today, but not more than usual on a Sunday when I am dragging him to church. He seemed rather polite at dinner and seemed to accept his fate of lawn-raking for the afternoon. After dinner, he headed out the door to rake. At least that was my assumption. One that soon turned out to be incorrect, as I realized he had disappeared. A few phone calls later and I found out that he had planned to leave and that he had no intentions of coming back, at least not for a few days.
So, what does a parent do in this situation? How do you handle it when you lose control and you can no longer make them obey you? At one time there was enough fear of Mom that my kids didn't dare disobey. However, as they become older and wiser, they quickly realize that there is nothing that you can really do about their disobedience. Some more investigative worked revealed things about my son that I didn't really want to know. My teen daughters helped me through the maze of IM logs to figure out what my son has been up to. It is not easy to realize that your faith and trust in someone has been misplaced. I am frustrated and heartbroken. And of course, I am angry. Very angry...
The real test is going to be how I continue to show love and model Christ's love to my son while setting down the rules of required behavior in my home. I guess this is where tough love comes in. Sometimes I think tough love is tougher on the one who is using it than the one on the receiving end. But I will hang tough and pray for strength. I know that frustration is part of the world of raising teens, but eventually joy will come. May God help me to make it till then...
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Conquering Fear
Last weekend I took a drive to a ministry conference in Connecticut. I drove there alone, to a place I had never been, to meet with a group of people I didn't know. Halfway there I said to myself "What am I doing? I must be crazy!" But the weekend turned out to be fantastic and I came away with new friends and lasting memories.
While many people may not think this is a big deal, to a person who has lived a life full of fear, this was a tremendous testimony to the growth that the Lord has brought about in me over the past 6 years. I remember the first time I traveled to Florida with my children without another adult accompanying me. I was tremendously fearful. I was a nervous wreck, but it turned out to be a turning point in my life. I remember how proud I felt that I had actually done it, flown with four young children, rented a mini-van, drove to all our destinations, took the kids to the pool, etc. There were so many fears overcome (or at least endured) on that trip, that it unleashed a new courage in me to try new things and venture out from my safe little world.
So gradually I began coming out of my comfort zone. I began to socialize more and joined a professional organization where I would meet new people and even take on a leadership role. I faced my fear of failure by taking the PMP exam and I began taking on-line classes to pursue my Ph.D. I am not always comfortable in these situations, especially in large groups of people, but I have come to learn that nothing is as bad as it seems and once I push myself to do something and commit myself, I am rarely disappointed in the outcome.
Fear is something that is really not rational. You can't tell someone not to be afraid or even reason with a fearful person why they shouldn't be afraid. Reason has nothing to do with it. And a person who is controlled by fear is in a very difficult state, one which is difficult to overcome. But by taking small steps and building on each success, freedom from fear is possible.
While many people may not think this is a big deal, to a person who has lived a life full of fear, this was a tremendous testimony to the growth that the Lord has brought about in me over the past 6 years. I remember the first time I traveled to Florida with my children without another adult accompanying me. I was tremendously fearful. I was a nervous wreck, but it turned out to be a turning point in my life. I remember how proud I felt that I had actually done it, flown with four young children, rented a mini-van, drove to all our destinations, took the kids to the pool, etc. There were so many fears overcome (or at least endured) on that trip, that it unleashed a new courage in me to try new things and venture out from my safe little world.
So gradually I began coming out of my comfort zone. I began to socialize more and joined a professional organization where I would meet new people and even take on a leadership role. I faced my fear of failure by taking the PMP exam and I began taking on-line classes to pursue my Ph.D. I am not always comfortable in these situations, especially in large groups of people, but I have come to learn that nothing is as bad as it seems and once I push myself to do something and commit myself, I am rarely disappointed in the outcome.
Fear is something that is really not rational. You can't tell someone not to be afraid or even reason with a fearful person why they shouldn't be afraid. Reason has nothing to do with it. And a person who is controlled by fear is in a very difficult state, one which is difficult to overcome. But by taking small steps and building on each success, freedom from fear is possible.
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